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The virtual kettle's on..... So while I let it boil I just have this to say
All you need is love...Love is all you need.
Technically not accurate... but you can see what they were trying to say with that.
So who has caught your eye this year. The over indulgence of Christmas a long distant memory, signs that Climate Change (Weather to you and Me) are allowing spring flowers to spring up early, that mysterious substance called Love is in the air... mixed with exhaust fumes and the latest made up super virus.
It's almost February and that bloke or woman at the photocopier suddenly looks a little more appealing.
Now I am one of the lucky ones. Each year I do not have to do the dance of love to attract a mate as I already have one. Very lucky I am indeed too. She's a cracker.
Oh dear lord above (fictitious character) I would hate to have to try and find someone before Valentines day. I am... what you might call, not the most natural of lovers (Bleurgh). Not smooth, not drop dead gorgeous (shut it), no George Clooney. But I can make a woman laugh.That does not mean by just getting undressed...it was cold.
Thankfully that particular avenue of 'hunter gatherer' ship has sailed for me.
It's not a world like it used to be, apparantly it is against people's human rights to pull their pigtails anymore. No longer do I have a boy network around me giddy enough to run up to a girl and say 'My mate fancies you' and watch from afar as the girl sees who sent the message and turns to her friends... Head thrust back way beyond her shoulders in an almighty laugh and guffaw...to the point of almost stopping breathing. (you know who you were?)
No I am glad I am well out of it. But I have unfortunately fell into the Smug pile. For those that have still to find their love and lobster, this must be a very trying time of year.
Do you stalk your intended victim on Facebook, twitter them, but be aloof, text them using code words. (all texting is code now lol) Do a spotify or itunes mix mp3 for them... and deliver it on an ipod (man modern life is costly, was only the cost of a cheap recordable tape when I were a lad)
And what happens if it all goes wrong. The 8 people that witnessed my embarrasment at lower school when I was SHUNNED ( I am over it)... Well now, it will be all around school, or the office in seconds. Before you know it you will get a text or email with a youtube attachment showing the world your demise because some little shit videoed it on their HD all singing all dancing phone that is not very good as a phone but brilliant at video and sharing!! grr.
And quite frankly the worst invention of Valentine's day..... The valentine's day meal.
DO NOT ORDER SPAGHETTI BOLOGNESE. You might love it, you might really feel like it, but for the love of god (fictitional Character) you are not sat at home wrapped in your comfy dressing gown, watching Coronation street or some other soap, while picking odd strands of spaghetti out of your cleavage (men included), and wiping your face with the back of your hand with little affect other than smearing your face so you look like the 'Joker'.
No this is a proper grown up place with badly treated waiters and waitresses looking for any excuse to belittle you in front of your new found love. Dont opt for the SOUP either. Whole host of trouble there. Keep it plain and simple.
No. Quite frankly, now I have thought about it, do not bother with Valentines this year if you do not feel like it. Don't be pushed into it because your friends are all loved up, your parents talk in hushed tones to your aunties and uncles...pause, look over at you, pause again then carry on whispering.
It's no body elses business but your own. If however there is a special someone this year, keep it old school. Say it with a badge. Original, none of those standard red roses which go up in price on the 1st of Feb, non trackable, easy to slip into someones bag, and a sure sign someone got your intended pressy and is willing to recipricate if they actually wear it.
On the other hand you can cast your net wide, instead of go for one individual tell the world you are open to the best bidder or kisser by advertising it on yourself with a come one come all badge.
Happy valentininginging... whatever it is called.
Well, I can hear the kettle has just finished boiling so
Milk and sugar?
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